Waiting hurts

There are some days when waiting is especially hard.  When thinking of your dreams reduces you to tears and even tackling life one day at a time seems too much to ask.  Today is one of those days.  Today my heart is aching, as I ask when?  When God?   

The song below has helped me through so much pain and hurt in the past that I find it amazing it can still speak to me in new ways. But as I listened to it today God spoke, and I realised what I needed more than anything was to know that God sees, and God knows.  And He does.  He sees my pain and He knows it hurts. 

Heaven Rejoices by Lex Buckley

I know that you have waited
So, so faithfully
I know that it's been painful
But I want you to know

You are so pure, so precious, so lovely
You have been crowned with immeasurable beauty
Heaven rejoices the moment you rise each day

So I sing over you
A song of joy
Let the sun shine on your face
I bring new life
And heal your wounds

Do you know I love you?
Do you know I love you?

I know that it may seem like
The storm will never cease
But know that I am
Trust my sovereignty

I know my ways are hard to understand
But my plan is greater 
Than you can imagine
Through all the darkness
I've never left your side

Do you know I love you?
Do you know I love you?

There is strength for today
And bright hope for tomorrow.

A treasured friend directed me to Lamentations today and in there I found hope.  I see another man who is surrounded by sadness and doesn’t hold back in his cries.  But in the middle of it He chooses to shift his focus onto God, and in Chapter 3:21-24 we read:

²¹ Yet this I call to mind 
   and therefore I have hope:

²² Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, 
   for his compassions never fail. 
²³ They are new every morning; 
   great is your faithfulness. 
²⁴ I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion; 
   therefore I will wait for him.”

As great as my pain is, it will not consume me, God’s love will never allow that.  It will never be too much and I will never be abandoned into it.  Sometimes we need to choose to look to God instead of our pain.  It doesn’t mean ignoring it (goodness knows that is impossible), but it just restores some perspective.  Here I am reminded that although I don’t feel like I can face tomorrow, I have new compassion waiting for me when I wake up.  And as much as my heart aches for my dream, ultimately the Lord is my portion, and I WILL wait for Him.  It still hurts, but I have hope.

The Journey

I’ve been thinking a lot about waiting these past few days.  We’re all waiting for things.  The time span may vary, and the object in wanting is different for each of us, but there is no getting away from the fact that at some time in our lives we are all left waiting.  And that is where I find myself today. 

My husband and I have been trying for a baby for a long time now, and any of you who have been in that place will know how painful it can be.  It’s easy for life to become consumed by our longings, living every day for the next hospital appointment or test, wishing days away in the hope of getting to where we want to be that little bit faster.  But of course time goes by at its own pace and won’t be rushed by any of us.  So, we do all we can do, we wait.

None of us choose our ‘waitings’, and this lack of control can leave us feeling helpless and disempowered.  But whilst we cannot control our futures, we can choose how we wait today.  Yesterday at church someone gave me a word of encouragement that spoke right into the heart of this issue, and it was this, ‘it’s not just about the waiting, it’s about the journey’, and she was right.  Suddenly my perspective shifted.  When we take our eyes off the destination and onto the journey, everything changes.

Unlike the usual journeys we take, when it comes to life none of us really know where our destinations will be.  It is good to plan and look to the future, and wonderful when these plans come to fruition.  But what about those deep longings over which we have little control?  Well, whilst we don’t know where our individual roads will take us, we have been given a map for the journey, and a guide to lead us along it.  His way is often not our way (much to our frustration at times!).  But His way is the right way and His timing is perfect.  Unlike road journeys, where we can plan how and when we’ll reach our destinations, God does things differently.  He cares deeply about our longings, but the journey and how we travel along it matters too, perhaps even more so as it is these that shape us and if we allow it, lead us closer to Him.  Our map, God’s Word, gives us all we need to know for our journeys.  Left to my own devices I’d live consumed by my worries and the uncertainties over my future, but God tells us to live one day at a time.  He knows that when we live too far in the future, we may miss what He has for us today, and can quickly become engulfed with fear and worry.  

When I take my eyes off my destination and onto the journey, suddenly this time of waiting appears more manageable, and I’m reminded there can be life along the way.  I hear God speaking to me, I see the other amazing things that God is doing in my life, I see that there is life and hope within my waiting, and that my life is moving forward even when I can’t see it.  This doesn’t necessarily make waiting easier, but it does make it more meaningful.  I don’t want my waiting to steal the preciousness of each day, and I can trust that whilst I look to live day by day, He has my tomorrows in His hands, and although I don’t know the destination, He does, and it is good.