Faithful?

As I lay there hearing the nurses telling us we had lost the baby, I had never felt so alone. And when everyone left me with one particular nurse who’s compassion skills were somewhat limited, and I had no choice but to listen to her tell me there were lots of positives in this situation and I should be looking at those, I felt that God had abandoned me.

We had prayed and prayed that God would protect the baby, and had several people praying during our appointment that we would get good news. When we realised we were miscarrying it threw us into a whirlwind of disappointment and confusion. Why did God let this happen? Why didn’t He care? Does He even hear our prayers, or just answer some randomly as He chooses? We were faced with the fact that He could have stopped this from happening, but He didn’t. Why not? Why doesn’t God intervene when it matters most?

Bad things happen to everyone, and Christians aren’t exempt from this. Goodness knows many Christians have gone through much more than we have and have still clung on to God. But this was our storm and our battle, and when we were right in the middle of it, when it mattered most, we felt He had turned away and left us.

I have been battling with these questions every day since our loss. At first I just felt sadness, then slowly anger crept in too. I couldn’t speak to God, I couldn’t listen to music or read my bible, and I could barely speak about Him even to the people closest to me. I was angry that He didn’t seem to care, angry that He didn’t answer our prayers, angry that He let our hopes be raised only to be crushed again so quickly.

I hated feeling like that. Yet beneath all the negative emotions I was experiencing, I held on to Him. I’m still not sure how, but I did. I didn’t want Him near, but I couldn’t let Him go. Something deep down in me knew it was OK to feel the way I did, that God could handle it, and that I just need to ride this one day at a time knowing that somehow, in time, I will come out of it.

But now, 35 days on, I am in a different place. It kind of crept up on me, this strange sense of peace that I now have. It’s not peace in the usual sense of the word, I don’t feel unnaturally calm and serene, and I’m not without anxiety or worry. But the questions I have been battling with have settled in me, and although the answers haven’t come as I hoped, I can see God in this, at long last.

We don’t know why God chooses to answer some prayers and not others. We don’t know why He allowed us to walk this particular path. But I do know He has been with us through it all. The thing I struggled with most was the sense of abandonment I felt, but looking back I can see Him in the kindness of the nurses who were with me alongside the ‘other’ nurse. I can see Him in the faces of my friends who gave themselves fully to us, committed to walking through our pain with us. I am aware as I write this that this may sound like clutching at straws, but it’s not. No clutching at straws could have calmed the questions or anger I felt. This is God, slowly and gently showing me that through all of this, He has been here, crying with us.

The most powerful answer I’ve received came a few days ago in response to a question I didn’t even know I was asking. I was sat in the corner of the sofa as some friends sat and prayed for us. At first they sung about God being worthy, and I didn’t feel anything. But then the words changed to ‘You are faithful’, and it gripped my heart so powerfully and unexpectedly that all I could do was cry. I hadn’t realised it, but my biggest question through all this had been God, are You faithful? He was gently reminding me that yes, He is indeed faithful. My hurting, doubting heart needed more than this though, so I prayed that if this was Him, someone would bring a verse confirming it. Then our other friend read this from Psalm 145:

The LORD is trustworthy in all he promises
and faithful in all he does.[c]
14 The LORD upholds all who fall
and lifts up all who are bowed down.
15 The eyes of all look to you,
and you give them their food at the proper time.
16 You open your hand
and satisfy the desires of every living thing.
17 The LORD is righteous in all his ways
and faithful in all he does.

This was pretty hard to deny, and by then even I was persuaded that God was trying to tell me that He was faithful. He didn’t leave us when we needed Him most, He never will. My heart still hurts a great deal, and I am still battling with doubts and fears, but I have been reassured that my God is faithful. He is with me in the hurt, the anger, the fear and the anxiety, and at last I can rest.